I cannot remember how old I was when I first realised that my lovely cosy existence would one day be shattered by the death of one or both parents. The impact was profound as the harsh reality set in that my parents would one day be taken from me.
Little did I know that when I reached my twenties, tragedy would indeed strike but it would be the two young children of my husband's first marriage, who would become the casualties.
My husband's wife was killed in a car crash leaving two young children without a mother. There was no advance warning or preparation. My husband and I were very young and didn't know what to do or how best to help the children come to terms with their enormous loss and grief.
At that time there was so little information available on how to cope in such a crisis and we didn't have a clue. If we had had the wealth of information and expertise that is available today, it would have been a lot easier but somehow we managed to muddle through.
After what seemed an eternity, equilibrium returned to our household. Then just when it seemed nothing could upset the harmony in our lives, tragedy struck a second time. My stepdaughter's partner died suddenly leaving her with three young children to look after. To make matters worse, we were away on holiday. How could a tragedy of such magnitude happen not once but twice in one family? I found my stepdaughter sobbing her heart out under her bed covers beside herself with grief. Initially she was unable to give her three young children the support and care they desperately needed. So she moved back into the family home where we all rallied round offering whatever help and comfort we could. Finally with a lot of love, care and advice from the experts, my stepdaughter was able to rebuild her life and that of her children.
For me, it was interesting to see how differently she handled her own children's grief. I suppose she was drawing from her own childhood experiences. Every evening she would set aside a period of time, light candles and get the children to talk about their father plus anything and everything that was troubling them. She also made sure the children had their say in how they wanted their father to be remembered. Collages, diaries and pictures were made. Photographs brought back happy memories and even laughter. Through their writings and drawings they were able to express themselves and preserve his memory in their own way.
Children who suddenly find themselves in such situations display signs of grief by having difficulty in managing and expressing their feelings, isolation, problems at school, disturbed sleep, attention seeking behaviour and fear losing the surviving parent. I know my stepdaughter's son initially worried about her leaving the home but I'm happy to report that he seems perfectly okay now. This type of behaviour only becomes cause for concern if it continues for a long time. On the other hand parents find it difficult to maintain their parenting role as they struggle with their bereavement.and the disruption in their circumstances.
The one thing that should be taken into account when offering help to a person who is suffering a bereavement is that you take your cue from them. Peoples needs vary and how they wish to grieve is unique to them.
It is also invaluable to get outside expert help as my stepdaughter did. By seeking such help, children and parents benefit greatly by speaking to someone who understands the experiences they are going through.
I'm glad to report that my step-daughter is at a happy stage in her life now as she has a loving partner and new baby girl.
